Ways to Help and Support a Victim of Domestic Violence

Ways to Help and Support a Victim of Domestic Violence

Helping Victims

How to help a victim of abuse

Do you know a neighbor, friend, co-worker, customer or even a family member being victimized by domestic violence? Is your own life and well being in peril?

As our society becomes better educated about this cruel, dehumanizing and devastating problem, it’s becoming clear that — directly and indirectly — we are all affected. And while few things in life are more complex than domestic violence, when it comes to helping a victim, a few simple guidelines can make all the difference. Here, in a nutshell, is what you should — and shouldn’t — do to help.

(Adapted from Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Agents. Published by Wisconsin Department of Corrections.)

• Ask if your friend is being hurt
• Listen and believe your friend
• Ask questions --but don’t judge or blame
• Remind your friend that no one deserves to be hit
• Keep communication open and offer to help your friend seek help
• Tell your friend that you care no matter what
• Remind yourself that getting out of an abusive relationship is difficult --and dangerous
• Call the police if you witness an assault
• Give your friend info about a local domestic violence agency (Nashville-YWCA 242-1199, Franklin-Bridges:599-5777, Columbia-Hope House:931-381-8580)
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• 12 positive ways to help:

1. DO support the victim with assurance that she is not to blame.
2. DO assume that the perpetrator continues to control the victim.
3. DO discuss dynamics of domestic violence.
4. DO continue to take her safety seriously. (emotional safety too)
5. DO support her by acknowledging her fears.
6. DO validate the seriousness of an abusive incident.
7. DO refer her to several community resources. One system may be inadequate.
8. DO affirm her belief that she knows her batterer best, while maintaining that most abusive men will abuse again. Provide assurance that, should he continue to abuse her, you will continue to support her and take action as necessary.
9. DO emphasize that your goal is to protect her safety and prevent reoffense by the batterer.
10. DO restate basic ideas emphasizing the facts (e.g., “In other words, you decided …”)
11. DO reflect her feelings. State what you hear in words or tone (e.g., “It sounds like you were afraid.”).
12. DO summarize to clarify and to establish basis for further discussion (e.g., “If I understand correctly, your main concerns are …”).

19 things that could make matters worse:

1. DON’T blame her for his violence.
2. DON’T ask why she doesn’t leave.
3. DON’T tell her to leave or to stay. She is confused and in need of support. She will not trust you if she feels the only way to gain your support is either to leave or to stay in the relationship. She does not need your advice.
4. DON’T disbelieve nor minimize her fear.
5. DON’T make decisions for her.
6. DON’T collude with the abuser in supporting his victim stance.
7. DON’T lead her to believe treatment is the definitive cure.
8. DON’T encourage “couples” counseling or joint interviews.
9. DON’T believe assertiveness skills will stop the violence. Being assertive may increase the danger for her. Trust her “gut” feelings concerning what she can safely do or say.
10. DON’T become angry nor dismiss her as a “willing victim” if she defends him.
11. DON’T belittle nor condemn the batterer. If you openly agree with her negative sentiments toward the batterer, she may not feel free to confide in you if she changes her mind nor if she continues to harbor an underlying emotional attachment to him. Usually beneath her negative sentiments are some feelings of love, concern, and tenderness.
12. DON’T invalidate her fears regarding less violent incidents.
13. DON’T promise to keep her safe nor take care of all her needs.
14. DON’T take her anger personally nor respond with your own defensiveness or anger.
15. DON’T collude with the abuser in supporting his manipulative tactics.
16. DON’T provide solutions nor preach to her — instead present options.
17. DON’T argue or disagree — instead focus on her feelings and the reasons for her feelings.
18. DON’T praise excessively — instead affirm her strength.
19. DON’T probe, interpret, or diagnose the victim.

Page Last Updated: 09/17/2007

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